You may be an extended family member, a caring friend, employer or workmate. You are looking at this site because someone you know has experienced or will soon experience the death of a multiple birth child or sibling. We thank you for caring enough to seek out ways to help this grieving person or family.

Looking after yourself

You may find yourself emotionally touched and grieving for the death of this child (or these children). You may be distraught at watching the pain that your child / sibling / friend is going through. Grandparents, in particular, are often neglected while everyone focuses their attention and support on the grieving parents. In order for you to support the bereaved parents and any other children that they may have you should make an effort to recognise your own feelings and make sure that you allow yourself the time and space to grieve.

In addition to ideas for supporting the bereaved parents, many of the resources listed below focus on the grief experienced by caring family and friends.

Supporting the bereaved parents and siblings

Dealing with death and grief is rarely easy but you really can make a difference. The kind words and actions that you make, from the early days and beyond, will have a huge impact on the grieving. Having you walk alongside them in their journey with grief, knowing that you are there and that you care will mean a great deal even if they seem not to show it. The world can seem an entirely different place when someone is consumed by grief. It can take quite a while before their eyes 'adjust' and do not look at everything through 'glasses of grief'.

The death of a precious multiple birth child/ren presents families with additional issues to those experienced by families who have suffered the loss of a singleton. Some of the special issues faced by bereaved parents of twins, triplets, quadruplets, and more include:

the overwhelming reality of losing all their babies and the accompanying "deafening silence" of an empty home when they were busy preparing for a house full of babies
in the case of premature babies, the family may not have time to mourn their baby's/babies' death as their concerns or thoughts may be with their other baby/ies whose survival may be in jeopardy
the loss of the special status of visibly being the parents of multiples if there are no survivors or only one survivor
if they had identical twins, the constant reminder of their deceased child due to the living image of their surviving child
the mixed emotions if the anniversary of their deceased child/ren is on the same day they celebrate their surviving child/ren's birthday
their deceased child may be "forgotten" by others because they are considered "lucky" if they still have one (or more)
the worry of how the death will affect their surviving multiple(s)

Losing a co-multiple in childhood or adulthood can also lead to a whole range of confusing and sometimes conflicting emotions for the survivor(s) including a sense of incompleteness, relief, guilt, sadness, despair, loneliness, anger ...

Some things that you can do are:

be there
show that you care
listen if they want to talk but don't preach or tell them how they should feel
offer them a shoulder to cry on
offer practical help
accept that they will have good days and bad days, and that it is not personal, just keep on being there
accept that there is no set time limit for intense grieving, and that everyone will do it in their own way for the length of time that is right for them

Listening and caring

Making contact the first time after a death can be difficult, but don't let your sense of helplessness keep you away. We all like to 'fix problems' however this is one thing that can never be fixed because you cannot bring their loved one back to them. Don't stay away from your grieving friend or family because silence and distance can be very hurtful. The most important thing that you can do is to show that you care and be willing to listen. Your understanding and support will make a difference.

An important part of listening is to avoid making assumptions based on how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Remember that having survivors does not, in away way, make up for the child(ren) who has died. We are all unique individuals and no one person can ever replace another. Most bereaved parents would say that they have more than enough love in their hearts for all their children, those living with them and those who have died. If a family decides to have more children then any subsequent child is an addition to the family, not a substitute for the one(s) who has died.

Do say:

I'm so sorry
I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you
Is there anything I can do for you? (especially in the early days when grief can hinder 'normal' functioning)
How are you going now? (especially down the track)
Acknowledge ALL of their babies/children. Ask how the parents want their surviving multiple(s) to be referred to. (They may not know at first. Ask again later.)

Don't say:

I know how you feel (Even if you have had a child die, you can't know just how they feel)
I am sorry you lost your baby/child (The baby is not lost, s/he is dead.)
You must feel miserable (Don't tell someone how they should be feeling!)
At least you still have one (two, or however many) left (That is the most confusing part, joy for those who live while grieving for the one(s) who has died)
At least you have other children (Every person is an individual and no child ever truly replaces one who has died)
You can still have another baby (That child will never replace or be the co-multiple of any surviving multiples)
Things happen for a reason. It was for the best
You ought to be feeling better by now

Click here to see a more extensive list of helpful and hurtful comments.

Remember to acknowledge significant events such as birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's/Father's Day, religious holidays that are 'family' times

Offering practical help

making phone calls that may be difficult, such as notifying other family and friends or government bodies
preparing meals, fresh or able to be frozen
looking after other children, eg. by taking to school or out for a few hours
doing some needed shopping, eg. supermarket, vegetables,
household chores such as washing clothes or dishes, tidying the house or taking care of the garden
feeding pets
answering the phone and greeting visitors
driving them to places they need to go
helping to answer correspondence

© Copyright 2000-2005. Australian Multiple Birth Association. All rights reserved.
The information contained within this web site is not a substitute for personal, medical, psychiatric, or psychological advice and readers are urged to consult their health care providers for specific questions or problems.